Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Dancing With the Kumquats...

Today, by popular request (and by that we mean that Katdish is popular), HRM will conduct an interview with Helen (herself). For those of you new to Random Musings, HRM stands for Helen's blog persona, Helen at Random Musings. Helen is her actual everyday self. These interviews are getting harder as they become one in the same. Our regulars may recognize some new personalities in this interview. In actuality, they are new to the interviewing process, but not actually new to this blog.

You may be surprised to learn that today's interview did not come as easily as the others. You have no idea about the lengths HRM had to go through to get Helen to agree to sit down with with herself, and do this interview. Do you have any idea how flexible one has to be to kiss their own butt? And HRM isn't all that flexible. Neither am I. Neither is Helen. Wait a moment. Which one am I? Both of them? Oh dear.....I suppose we ought to get started.

HRM: Thank you for FINALLY agreeing to sit down with me for this interview.
Helen: Your welcome.
HRM: Don't you recognize sarcasm when you hear it?
Helen: Give me a break. You know how tired I get when I fully give in to my insanity. It's a bit taxing.
HRM: Well it's not like it is any easier on me you know!
Helen: True, true. So, tell me HRM, what would you like to interview me about. I might have been a bit more cooperative if you had clued me in as to what you intended on interviewing me about.
HRM: Well, I was thinking that since we have to tap into the insane portion of your brain to do an interview anyways, we could talk about this whole salsa dancing in the supermarket thing you go on about.
Helen: Oh. Okay. What do you want to know about it?
HRM: First of all, how did it start?
Helen: I am not sure I know how to answer that question.
HRM: (mumbles) and the insanity begins....
Helen: Excuse me. I didn't quite catch what you said.
HRM: Nothing, nothing. Why don't you start by telling us when you became aware of your...liking for Dancing With The Seasonal Fruit....
Helen: When I realized that my salsa was too hot for frozen foods!
HRM: HAH! You're a riot.
Helen: You started it with the seasonal fruit comment.
HRM: And your spoiled. Out of all our personalities, mom always liked you best!
Helen: Dare I say why....?
SSH ( Supermarket Salsa Helen): Ladies, please. The salsa is a dance of love, not war. Make peace with each other mi hermanas queridas...
HRM: Well, it's Supermarket Salsa Helen. Maybe it is you I should be interviewing...
SSH: Please. You know as well as I that it all started with Helen. I would like to sit in on this interview if I may. I wouldn't mind adding a bit of information if Helen is reluctant to cooperate.
Helen: Oh great! Now you two are ganging up on me!
SSH: Not exactly, mi hermana. I know that sometimes you get a little bit tripped up about fully displaying your insanity. I'm only here to help, Querida. Besides. HRM is right about mom liking you best.
HRM: So, where were we?
SSH: You were asking your guest about how she got started dancing in supermarkets.
HRM: Yes, thank you SSH. Tell us Helen, how did you get started?
Helen: Well, it started just with me noticing that I was singing along to the songs on the p.a. system.
HRM: How long had you been doing that before you noticed?
Helen: I don't know.
HRM: Okay then. I'll rephrase the question. How did you first notice?
Helen: I had given up contemporary secular music for Lent. I didn't listen at home or in the car. Then I found in the Supermarket that I was not only listening to the music, but singing along.
HRM: So what did you do?
Helen: I tried to control myself in the grocery store until Lent was over.
HRM: And then...
Helen: I cut loose. I remembered how I used to yank my friends' chains and tell them life should be like a musical, and then start singing at the bus stop, or downtown. This was in college. They were true friends. They hung out with me anyways. Though they did not sing along.
HRM: What did they do?
Helen: They gave me that look like they really wanted to laugh, but they were afraid to encourage me.
HRM: Figures. If I could, I'd give you that look sometimes myself.
SSH: But you had not started the dancing yet, mija.
HRM: Whose conducting this interview?
SSH: (Sigh) You are, HRM. But I did think you wanted my help.
HRM: Thank you, I do. I'm sorry for snapping at you. I just think I pulled a back muscle when Helen made me kiss our
SSH: I accept your apology. No more is needed...
HRM: So Helen, SSH says you weren't dancing yet. How did that start.
Helen: Well, honestly it started gradually. I wasn't really belting out the songs yet, but I wasn't shy and trying not to sing either. One day, a song I really liked started playing, and I started to move to the music a little, hardly noticing it.
SSH: Tell her the rest, Querida. It is okay. I was there. I'll back you up.
HRM: Well it's not like I was home watching t.v. at the time...
SSH: Ssssh, HRM. Helen needs a little cajoling to get this out. Please allow me...
(HRM nods at SSH)
SSH: Helen, it's okay. You could have done worse. Far worse.....
Helen: Well, there was this lady who was staring at me as if I was crazy. I thought about yelling "WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU! HAVEN'T YOU MET ANYONE WHO WAS CHEERFUL BEFORE? GEE, I WONDER WHY NOT? SOURPUSSS!".
SSH: But you didn't, did you.
H.H. (Hungarian Helen): And she darn well should have. Have a little backbone, why don't you?
SSH: What are you doing here, Hungarian Helen?
H.H. I am trying to keep us from looking like candy @$$e$!
SSH: HH, our behind may be fluffy as cotton candy, but we are no candy....tushes.
H.H. We know that, but do THEY out there know that?
SSH. "THEY out there" are our friends. They know us well enough. And as our friends, they won't judge us.
H.H. Still, we sound like we nutty enough to make a torte AND a strudel.
SSH: Don't be silly. We don't bake.
(H.H. rolls eyes)
SSH: Tell us all what you did do, mi hermana Querida Helen.
Helen: I looked the woman straight in the eye, and then I belted out the song, and danced full out. Not well, because I am not a great dancer. But not like I was ashamed of what I was doing either. I smile and am friendly in the grocery store, even to strangers. So, while I may not intentionally start my song and dance, when I find that I am dancing or singing, I go full out. I refuse to act like I am ashamed of being cheerful. What do I have to be ashamed of there?
HRM: Your singing and dancing ability?
SSH: Basta, HRM! Enough. I can see why she was reluctant to return...
HRM: Oh yeah?
SSH: Si!
H.H. Look, as much of a blast as this has been, don't you think we should stop arguing and go to bed.
HRM: Good idea.
Helen: I am so glad Bob and I bought a King Sized bed this year.
SSH: Porque, querida?
Helen: So we can all fit...
HRM: Say goodnight, Helen.
Helen: Oh. Okay. Goodnight, Helen....

My friend Katdish was kind enough to invite me to guest post on her blog today. If you have not already checked out her blog, how about doing so now? There you will find today, the saner side of me...


katdish said...

I love all the Helens!

Candy said...

It's no wonder you talk to yourself on Twitter! I seriously want to run into you in the grocery store - and bust out in song. Where do you shop?

Sherri Murphy said...

Helen- We have some great stores here in Southern Illinois that you should start shopping in. We could use the tax revenue and the entertainment!

Love the interview, always.

Carol @SheLives said...

MPD Helen rocks!!! (And her blog plays Kokomo?)

jasonS said...

Wow, I thought I had a lot of personalities... I think we're going to have to start peace talks. Hilarious post!

Marni said...

This was like reading the Faulkner book The Sound and the Fury...except I wasn't bored. Or requesting a drop slip.

You crack me up Helen ;-)

Nick the Geek said...

Ok and I thought my sanity might be in question after this weekend but suddenly I'm feeling quite lucid. Thanks for saving me the money of visiting a Dr. about this.

Beth said...

Diggin' the Andy Worhol-like Helen art.

And I LOVE all the Helens, too. Blogger Beth gives is two thumbs up. Mommy Beth has to go figure out what's for dinner... :P

Wendy said...

Hey! You have a pin in South America now! Hooray for you! Or whichever Helen is reading this now.

Stephanie Wetzel said...

Funny funny funny! That's one funny for each of you.

Oh wait. I almost forgot Hungarian Helen...

No! Hungarian Helen?! I remembered you! I wasn't gonna actually leave you out! How could anyone actually not notice you?! OW OW OW OW!

WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME??! Move my candy@$$? Oh, okay. So that's how it is. Well,

Did I mention that my Italian side is in the mafia? Yeah, well you better watch your back.


Okay. When I started clicked "post a comment", all I was gonna say was my favorite line: "Don't be silly. We don't bake."

I'm not sure what happened after that. It's kinda hazy.

Anyway. Did I say this was a great post?