Dreams Coming True Slowly...

This is THE dress, but mine is a bigger size!

While I'm only up to number 39 writing my dream list, I am almost at the point where dream number four is coming true.   I tried on my sun dress yesterday, and it fit!  So why do I use the word "almost" in the first sentence?  Because I still think I'd feel more confident if the fit was a little looser.  It went on and it looked good, but I'm afraid to make any sudden movements.
This coming Saturday is my aunt's birthday and she is having a barbecue.  (My aunt's birthday is the same as Candy Steele's, so you can consider yourself reminded that it is Candy's birthday on July 16.)   I am hoping dream number four will come true by Saturday!   I think it will!
God loves us and cares about are dreams both big and small!  I know fitting into a particular dress is a small dream compared with dream #1 (becoming a mother) and dream #3 (becoming a healthy weight),  but it is because He helps me with the small things that I feel encouraged to hope for the big things!
I'm also doing better with number 26 "to have lots of energy".   I can't claim to have "lots" of energy yet, but I feel less tired than I used to, which is very encouraging to me.   Sometimes our dreams coming true unfold like a flower instead of coming true out of the blue.

One Hundred Dreams (Not Quite, But I'm Open to It)

These lovely toes are courtesy of photobucket.   Until, now
it never occurred to me I may need pictures of my nekkid feet.

In prayer meeting Monday a friend talked about a Conference on the Father's love where they were encouraged to begin a list of 100 dreams.  I have listed thirty dreams so far.


Last week I wrote a post about feeling more optimistic, and I really do.  It had hit me a few months ago that not only didn't I accomplish all of the goals of my youth, but that I didn't believe I ever would, and had felt I should put dreams away as youthful foolishness.  It did not help my outlook.


Many things on the list are actually related to each other:
3) Become a healthy weight.  (It's been so hard, and I've failed so many times I stopped hoping I ever could.   But today, I am dreaming about it, focusing on it, and asking God to help me daily in this quest.)
4) to fit in my new sundress.
5) to fit in the clothes in my box in the basement.
6) to be able to get rid of all of my large clothes because I need room for a smaller size.  (I guess I'm dreaming of a good reason for a new wardrobe.)
10) to be able to comfortably get up and down from the floor.
11) to be able to stand all day without a lot of discomfort.
12) to be able to walk around outside all day without my feet being in a lot of pain.
17) to walk several blocks without getting out of breath.
21) to fit in an airline seat.
24) to be flexible enough to give myself a pedicure.  (I feel pretty when my toe nails are pink.  I know it's silly.)
25) to be able to get out of the tub without worrying I'm going to slip and kill myself and the paramedics are going to find me nekkid.
26) to have lots of energy.
30) for my feet and ankles not to swell.
That's 13 things all related to number 3.  Obviously when I get dream #3, most if not all of the other dreams I shared today will have already been granted.  I still think it is important to list these other things.  They didn't come up because I asked "Why do I want to become a healthy weight?" but because I asked "What do I want?" .  I will not yet be a healthy weight the day I paint my toenails, but I will still have gotten something I want, and will need to thank God for His help.  Because I'll only get there with His help.  I know this, because I have been trying too long on my own.


So as frivilous as it sounds, I'm praying for my weight, size, mobility and flexibility.  


What about you?  What are your dreams?  You don't HAVE to list 100, 30, or even 13.   I'll be happy to know one or two, and will pray for your dreams, too!

Perspective

Yellow beans seeds are planted along side the driveway and next to the patio.

Tomatoes, squash, onions and cucumber are planted alongside the garage and in planters.

Flowers are planted in front of the house in the space where we removed two dead shrubs.

Now when it rains, it will save us the work of watering the garden, instead of preventing us from working in the garden.

Shooting the (Text) Messenger

Welcome to a new Helen rant, in the form of an open litter. Sit back and enjoy.

To Him Who Think Breaking Up With Someone Via Text Message is Okay:

It's not. As a matter of fact, it really makes you look bad. All that effort you put into appearing to be a responsible young man went *poof*. Your ex is over you. She was over you by the time she finished reading the text message. She was in the "same place" as you in this relationship the whole time, right up to the end.

But after a year and a half, the best you can do is to text that you don't think the two of you could make a go of it, bye? You couldn't tell her that on your date the next day? COWARD! LOSER! Yes. Loser. No, not because you broke up with a great girl. She is a great girl, but that doesn't mean she was right for you. You, sir, are a loser because this great girl would have gladly been friends with you. She liked you. She had her doubts that you and her went meant to ever walk down the aisle, but she thought you were a great guy she could still be friends with. But by disrespecting her, you lost that friendship.

You also lost the goodwill you built up with her family and their friends. They always described you as a respectful young man. Do you want to know how we describe you now? "Oh, you know Ollie... He's the one who breaks up via text message...". Yeah. Good luck if you try to date any of their friends' daughters'. Oh, and they know lots of people. And those people also know lots of people, who know people. Yeah. LOSER!

Most Sincerely,

Helen

Tomorrow we shall be back with our regularly scheduled "Pleasantly Disturbed" segment rather than just merely disturbed.

Sharing My Passions

I have been a little lax in writing. It seems I don't have feel much inspiration lately. I hate saying that I am "depressed" over my Momma's passing. It sounds so needy. I hate being needy. Anyways, since I am lacking inspiration, I thought I would take part in a meme from Kathy at Happy at Home. Sorry about not providing a link. My browser is acting crazy today... No URL addresses at the top of my page. So weird...

Anyway, Kathy participates in something called Writer's Workshop. One of today's assignments was to describe five things I am most passionate about. That seems like a good assignment. For one thing, it gives me something to post right now. For another, it means that I can later reflect on these and how I can do something about these passions to bring me out of myself...

1) I am passionate about my marriage. No TWSS. I am not talking about passionate in an embarrassing to share way. (Not that I'm not... I just don't plan on sharing that publicly.) God has given me a wonderful husband. Together we have a happy marriage. I am passionate about appreciating that gift. There are lots of books and advice to tell people how to have a happy marriage. I say it is a gift, and one that must be cherished. Cherishing any gift is rather helpful in preserving it, though...

2) I am passionate about the welfare of children. I taught for thirteen years. I personally believe that to teach a child, one must be aware of their needs. While I may not be able to provide for all of their needs, awareness makes me more compassionate, and that compassion translates into a better relationship with the student, which facilitates a better learning environment.

3) This one related to the second, in a way. I am passionate in believing that life and death is and should be in God's hands, not a person's. Yes. You should read that as me being Pro-life. I believe abortion is wrong, in every instance. We are talking about the life of a human being, and how that human being came to should not negate his or her right to exist. I don't find this belief easy. I am a woman. Of course my heart breaks for a woman or girl who is carry a rapist's or abuser's baby. If there was a way to separate her from the development of the unborn child, and the child thrive, I'd be for it. But there isn't.
I also feel that euthanasia is wrong. I define that as purposely seeking the death of the ill or elderly, not the letting go and declination of life support, or the acceptance of pain killers whose side effect is shorter life span.

4) Family. I have always wanted to be a mother. I am not yet. That doesn't mean I'm not still passionate about becoming one. More on that will probably come later..

5) My faith. I suppose my faith should come first, not fifth. What can I say? I still struggle with faith. How can I be passionate about something with which I struggle? If I wasn't passionate about it, I'd cease struggling, I think.


You may have noticed I didn't list blogging. I don't know. Sometimes I am really passionate about writing. Lot's of posts about my Momma this past month just had to come out. Once it did, I was able to let the scene I shared stop playing over in my mind. At other times, I just don't know what to write. Like lately.
Okay, there we go. I am not sure that I will be writing more on these topics, but I do think reflecting on this question was good for me.

How about you? What is your passion? You can name five, or choose one. You are the boss of you.

A New Beginning for Mom...

Mom's obituary is in the Sunday Tribune and online.



When I used to go to Charismatic Prayer meetings, and we'd pray for someone's healing, sometimes they would die. We would remind each other then that for the Christian, death is the ultimate healing. Our prayers were fully and completely answered, but not as we hoped.

It is in that aspect that I share that mom was completely healed yesterday morning, quite unexpectedly. She, my dad, my sister, and others are rejoicing in their reunion. I will be as well one day, but right now I am sad over my own loss of a wonderful mom. Indeed, she was my best friend.

I thank you deeply for your prayers for her healing. The staff at the nursing home say she died quietly in her sleep. The only thing that would have pleased her more is dying in her own home peacefully in her sleep. But then, dying anywhere was not the plan. Getting better and coming home was.

Most likely, I won't post again until later next week. Maybe even later than that. I just don't know. I may still be around your blogs. Commenting may or may not happen. If I am feeling macabre, I will try to hold back.

I do know that I will be in your prayers as well. I appreciate being able to take you for granted like that.

The Not Perfect Daughter, and Why She is Tired and Confused

No twitter post today either. I have mostly been in lurker mode. If I tweeted or retweeted anything entertaining at all, I can't remember. It has been a tiring week. Besides the furnace problem I shared with you yesterday, I have a more serious issue than that I have been dealing with (which is also my explanation for my sparseness of posts lately).

If you read my profile, you know that I am a stay at home daughter. I take care of my mother. Taking care of mom has been a joy in many ways. I wish I had taken more care to describe those joys. Right now though, I am exhausted. I have been leaving incoherent comments all over the blogusphere this morning. I'm not even sure I am making sense right now.

My mom has a huge bump and black and blue mark on her hip because of too much blood thinner. I am not living in denial when I say it is not my fault. I don't want to say whom I blame right now. I am tired, and leaning toward being cruel and unfair.

Anyways, this bump is starting to open up. Yes, blood and whatever is seeping out, and I try to keep dry dressing on it constantly. No tape. I wasn't told not to use tape. She has been sensitive to tape in the past, and I am trying to make her feel better, not worse. (I know. That was an obvious point. See what I mean about being incoherent). Mom is in a lot of pain, and calls for me all day and all night. Sometimes all I can do is remove a dressing and fluff the pillow that keeps her from laying on her side. No, it doesn't help her, but she will call for me anyway, and I come.

I have tried to be the perfect daughter, and I fail in my own eyes every day. But I have seldom failed as miserably as I did last night.

Last night, after mom woke me up for the third time in two hours (it was one in the morning), she asks me what time it is. I tell her it is 1 am. She asks me why her phone says 2 am. I look and tell her it doesn't. She insists that it is actually 3 am and time for more pain medication. I tell her it is 1 am, not 3 am. She tells me to wake up Bob so he can verify that it is 3 am. I refused. He gets up to go to work at 5am. He will be getting up even earlier this morning because snow is predicted to fall overnight, and he will shovel out the driveway and the wheelchair ramp (in case of emergency..) before he leaves. I cannot bring myself to wake him up to back me up that it is the time I say it is. I'm exhausted and can't think straight anymore.

Suddenly mom is insisting that even if it is 1 am, she can have more pain meds. I tell her no. She asks me how much longer. I tell her I don't know, I can't think straight. I am confused because I just woke up and had an argument about what time it is. I can't give her any meds. if I myself am confused. She insists that since I'm confused, we need to wake Bob. Bob had no idea what time I gave her pain medication, or how often the doctor has said she can take it. He knew on Tuesday, but the dosage has changed three times since then. I wrote it down, but I need a moment to pull myself together before I can even remember where I left it. (Refrigerator. All meds. are listed on the fridge so that if she has to go to the hospital, I can grab and go). Suddenly I just start weeping. I just couldn't help it. Then I had a coughing fit and had to leave the room... I kept crying and coughing in the bathroom. When I finally pulled myself together, I remembered the fridge, but forgot how to do the Math. (Did I mention it was one in the morning, and I've been getting up hourly to bihourly (is that a word?) to fluff pillows for almost a week?) I told her about an hour, hoping that by then I'd remember how to subtract (or add? I'm still a little fuzzy headed..). She asked me to sit with her in the meantime, and I just couldn't do it. I feel so ashamed, but I just couldn't keep myself together. I needed to lay down and cry. My husband had woken up by then, but he knew he couldn't actually help and it would be two of us confused, so he waited for me and held me. I calmed down, was able to go back to fridge. I found that it was too early to give her pain meds. An hour from then would still be a little early, but not dangerously so, so I kept my word and gave her the pain killers.

After giving her the pain killers, she again asked that I sit with her all night. I feel like the world's worst daughter, but I didn't. I told her that I had to be alert enough to take care of her, and that wouldn't happen if I was sitting on a chair in her room all night. She didn't get any sleep. I didn't get much. More because she kept calling me during the night than from guilt. Not that I don't feel guilt, but I am too tired to let that even matter to me, you know?

I have spent the morning on the phone with the doctor, with the visiting nurse agency demanding a new nurse (ask Wendy why, she can tell you. I think.. Wendy, tell anyone who asks, okay? Me tired...). I have poured out my worries to God. I'm not really sure what He is doing with them right now, but I am too tired to question Him. I am too tired to hate myself for not doing a better job. I am just so tired...

I am sorry for the whining. I mentioned to some cyber friends that I might write this post, and they encouraged me to do so. If you by any chance landed on this blog because you are taking care of an elderly parent, or considering it, please don't let this one post discourage you. Taking care of my mom has been a rewarding experience for me. I wouldn't undo the decision my husband and I made three years ago when we decided I'd stay home and take care of her in our home. I wasn't blessed with children, but I imagine that you get some exhausting nights (for weeks, even months on end...) , yet you wouldn't undo your choices. It's tough, but worth it. Right now I am feeling the tough.

Oh, and please pray that my mom's butt heals quickly. I mean hip. Oh whatever, He knows what we mean, right?

Love Songs to My Furnace....

Well, as some of you know, I have been off the computer lately. Last week I was preparing for an ornament party. We all had a good time btw. Remind me to share my ham recipe with you all, it went over really well. Mom wasn't feeling that great, but she had a good time anyway. Then my furnace went on the fritz. Five visits from the repairman in one week.

Yesterday the repairman assured me (after telling me the day before that it had to be my fault, our vents had to be covered and we didn't realize it...not so...) that the problem is taken care of. I asked him one question.

"If the heat goes out tonight, do I call a vent cleaner, a new repairman, or an exorcist." He laughed. Sadly, I was not kidding...

Thankfully the heat is working today, so I don't need any of those options. I have been trying to be more encouraging to it by singing "Heat Miser" and "Hot, Hot, Hot" to it...


Come join my friend Wendy and post some craziness on her blog carnival, Life is Funny. She'll be glad.

I Answer Sherri's Questions

My friend Sherri, at Matter of Fact, posted some questions yesterday about how we feel about our job / career. (Click on the title to see her blog.) Truthfully, my career is on hiatus while I take care of mom, who can't walk. When she came home from the nursing home, her physical and mental health were suffering, but right now, she is thriving. She will probably never walk again, but we have come to a point where we can appreciate what she can do instead of worry over what she can't. I am going to apply Sherri's questions to the responsibilities I have with my mom right now, instead of the career that is three years behind me, and who knows if ever ahead of me again...




1. What is your job/career and your responsibilities at the moment?

My mom can't walk. I have to do things you could imagine being needed done for someone who can't get out of bed or out of their wheelchair by themselves, including by not limited to getting her in and out of bed with a hoyer lift.

2. What is the best part about your job?

My mom is doing so much better at home than she was in the Nursing Home she was in for rehab.... That is because she is happier at home...She had a stroke in the Nursing Home, I think because she believed she wasn't coming home. Once she came home, it took several months, but her overall health greatly improved, I think because her disposition did.

3. What is the worst part about your job?

I never liked being told what to do. Sometimes mom telling me it's late and I should go to bed brings out the rebellious teenager within me and I end up staying up all night. That sort of thing.

4. Have you ever been self-employed? If yes, would you do it again? Why or why not?

No

5. What was your first paying job?

McDonald's

6. What was your most fulfilling/rewarding job?

That's a difficult question. I loved teaching. I loved knowing I was affecting the future with every child I taught. But I do believe that what I am doing now is what God wants for / from me. And I do love my momma.
7. Ever had a job you detested?

No, not really. Every job I ever had had days and situations I'd have rather avoided at times, but I never hated a job.

8. What would be your dream job?

I always thought that if I won the lottery, and didn't have to make a living, I would open a coffee shop where all the literature around for the sharing (like good, old fashioned coffee shops whose names don't rhyme with tarchucks have...) would be Christian literature that I have personally read and found appealing (ie: The Case for Christ, Our Sunday Visitor, The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe, etc...)
9. Have you ever quit a good paying job because you were miserable?


No

10. Which job stretched you the most and why?

Teaching. Some naive folks think teachers have it good because they work from 9 until 3 and have all that time off...Nothing could be further from the truth. I used to get to school at 7:30 to set up for my lessons, and leave at 4 after tidying up. Then I got to plan lessons, grade papers, and use my own money to buy supplies...I often didn't even have time to make dinner because there was so much to do. All that time off people liked to remind me I was so lucky to have was spent either catching up with papers (Christmas and Easter) or cleaning a neglected house and trying to attend to a husband who had been neglected all year long (Summer). I didn't mind any of it except when I had to listen to strangers in a doctor's office tell me how lucky I was to be a teacher because I hardly had to work at all!

11. Who would you consider to be your best "boss" and why?

When I was in college, I worked in the library shelving books. So long as there were books to shelve, the manager let us choose our own hours, as few or as many as our school load could handle. Of course, if books were all shelved, we had to punch out and leave, but that is only right.

12. Ever had an extremely annoying co-worker? How did you handle them?

Yes. In her case, killing her with kindness worked.

13. Has there ever been a job you turned down that now you wish you would have taken?

No.

14. Is there any job you would refuse to do? Why?

Anything requiring me to show my assets. Because they are more like liabilities.

15. Would you love to retire RIGHT NOW or do you think you would miss working at your job.

No. I love taking care of mom. I am learning things, too. Taking care of mom has afforded me more time to learn things on the computer, and read. Yes, my "job" can still start at 7:30 a.m. and end at 11:00 p.m. , but I am not busy every minute and every hour in between. Besides that, the only way to retire from my job is to give up and send her to a Nursing Home (I hope I never have to do that) or for her to go home to Jesus (which I will NEVER be ready for..)


Bonus question: Do you think I'm getting too nosy with all these questions?
Absolutely not! Friends should be able to ask each other anything. And friends should also be able to say there are some things they'd rather not answer.

What A Week!

My momma always said bad things always come in threes. She wasn't superstitious. She was being funny. There were three of us in the family, mom, dad, and me. We went everywhere together.

I however, have had a threesome this week....

1) My car's power steering went out on Saturday while I was doing errands. The newspapers for recycling are still in the back, but I digress. The power steering problem was not as expensive as I feared. However, while they were looking at my car, it seems they noticed I need a whole new engine. Yep. They can't say whether it will give out on my way home, or in six months with regular use. My husband let me drive it home (with him following me), but does not want me to drive it until it is fixed. Yes, as expensive as a new motor is, we can't afford another car, so we will have to nurse this one along....

2) My dishwasher broke on Saturday. My husband was able to fix it however, so that isn't so bad.

3) My refrigerator broke. I don't know how long it wasn't working right, but my guess would be since Saturday, since that seems to have been...Well, anyway, I found out Tuesday night when I go to pour a glass of milk, about half a gallon with an excellent date, and it has the consistency of cottage cheese!
3a) So, of course, Wednesday, the repairman needs it entirely shut down to fix it, and I have to throw away food from the fridge and freezer, which stinks, because I hate being wasteful. I had to throw them out however. Doctor pills and prescriptions for food poisoning cost more than the food did....Not going to risk it.


As for bad things coming in three, I really don't mean it. My favorite thing (if you could call them a "thing") in the whole world come in three: I'll give you three guesses. Enjoy this picture while you think.




Did you guess The Holy Trinity? Good for you! Awesome!

The Holy Trinity is one constant that will never change or break down. And God has blessed us so that these things are able to be fixed, and we do have the funds to do it. Thank you God.

1 Thessalonians 5:18-19 "....give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. Do not put out the Spirit's fire;"
It has been an inconvenient week, but I still have a lot to be thankful for....
It has been an inconvenient week, but I still have a lot to be thankful for....
It has been an inconvenient week, but I still have a lot to be thankful for....