Happy Birthday, Sarah!

I'd like to wish my friend Sarah a Happy Birthday.




Sarah is trying to raise money to go on a mission trip to Africa. Check out her site to read about it and wish her a Happy Birthday.

Love you, Sarah!

Grandma Never Baked Me an ipie.... , Mom updates, and How to Treat a Copier

News in the twitterworld: @PuriChristos has changed his twittername to @Nick_the Geek. Now those of us who know who @PuriChristos is no longer feel special and exclusive, but, ah well, such is life...


Remember to read these from the bottom up. So...Bottoms up...





@weightwhat Mom is in the Nursing home. She is in good spirits. For now. She told me today she expects to be there "at least two weeks.."

Good night. I need my beauty rest. Tweet you all in twenty years. #ripvanhelenatrandom

@Brian_Russell @sarahmsalter I actually lean toward the six day side, but again, I don't see the point of arguing. It's not like salvation

@sarahmsalter That is so sweet of you, Sarah. Now I don't feel so bad about comparing creation to a crock pot recipe...

@Brian_Russell Sorry if comparing creation to crock pot is lame. It made sense in my head.

@CandySteele The sunrises and sunsets I saw in Hawaii were the most beautiful I ever saw. There, and Sedona AZ was nice, too...

@CandySteele I told @marni71 she should pet the copier and whisper sweet things to it.... #Inanimateobjectshavefeelingstooyouknow

@marni71 Copiers usually respond better to cajoling than to violence.Try "There there...mama will make it all better.." Don't ask how I know

@sarahmsalter We really wanted her to come home from the hospital, but the doc thought this step was best. Glad she doesn't need hospital.

Mom was moved to the Nursing Home tonight. One step closer to coming home.

@SBeeCreations I guess I was just thinking like my mom used to say when I was sick. "If she is getting into trouble, she is feeling better."

@redclaydiaries Unless, of course, she is just repeating old tweets. Yes. She tweeted that corn line in the past...

@redclaydiaries I'm thinking the grosser the humor, the better she must be feeling...


@redclaydiaries Actually, I think the fact that @weightwhat tweeted that implies that she is feeling better...

Five minutes until RAW (wrestling). The dudes from Psyche are hosting. I must go get ready now....Tweet you later.

@pagan43 The headcheese is mine. The monkey butt belongs to @Nick_theGeek

@pagan43 I haven't had any headcheese lately. I guess I'm backsliding..

@Nick_theGeek Do I understand that last tweet to mean you don't like wrestling and won't be watch the Psych dudes? I'll tell u what u miss

@Nick_theGeek BTW, if you have cable, remember the guys from Psych are hosting RAW today on USA. #prowrestling

@weightwhat Am I really such an old school Catholic, or am I lazy? You decide...



@weightwhat I have them up. In the old days, Catholics celebrated Christmas until the Feast of the Presentation of the Lord. Yep.

@sarahmsalter Yes. @redclaydiaries deserves ALL the credit for you people now knowing about my splinters from a coconut bra 2 sizes 2 small

@PuriChristos I doubt @katdish ever called him anything like that...

@PuriChristos But I said he was a lintlicking persimmon pickling schnitzel maker for not reading @marni71 's post on fottsp yesterday.


@marni71 If I had told my grandma I wanted "Apple stuff", she'd have baked me a pie...
12:47 PM Jan 22nd from web in reply to marni71



@marni71 Did I just chase @billycoffey away with my harsh words... I was just kidding...


@marni71 Then he shouldn't be a lintlicking persimmon pickling schnitzel maker and read the latest fottsp post you wrote...

Peace Be With You (and Me)

Sorry, but today's post on Peace is written in a Stream of Consciousness style. Too many thoughts are going on in my head at once, and I'm not sure any are coming out clearly. My friend Bridget is holding a blog carnival where the word of the week is Peace. I am sure you will find some awesome entries there, and, of course, are welcome to leave a blog entry on Peace of your own.



Merriam-Webster defines peace as follows:
Main Entry: 1peace
Pronunciation: \ˈpēs\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English pees, from Anglo-French pes, pees, from Latin pac-, pax; akin to Latin pacisci to agree — more at pact
Date: 12th century
1 : a state of tranquillity or quiet: as a : freedom from civil disturbance b : a state of security or order within a community provided for by law or custom :a breach of the peace
2 : freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions
3 : harmony in personal relations
4 a : a state or period of mutual concord between governments b : a pact or agreement to end hostilities between those who have been at war or in a state of enmity
5 —used interjectionally to ask for silence or calm or as a greeting or farewell
— at peace : in a state of concord or tranquillity

I am going to assume that one cannot have peace with their neighbor, if they are not at peace with themself. (Or a nation peace with another nation, if there is no peace within). Also, I always thought of the greeting "Shalom", or peace, as actually being a real wish for peace for the person being greeted.

Bibically, peace is one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit, and is mentioned numerous times (247, NIV) in both the Old Testament and the New Testament. Jesus Himself said "Peace be with you" several times after His Resurrection. I think He was doing more than just saying "Howdy!". He as the very word of God was bringing peace to his disciples. That peace is still offered us today.

John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

Guess what? Sometimes my heart is still troubled and afraid. Sometimes my prayers for peace are garbled and mixed up. Thankfully, I have friends, brothers and sisters in Christ, who pray for me. Knowing that they lift me in prayer eases my soul and brings me peace. I hope I do the same for them, though I admit to right now receiving more consolation than I give. No one has a carefree life. We are to bring peace to one another even while we are swimming in cares of our own...

Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.


O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen

Turn at the Fork in the Road!

Though it came out in 1979, I first saw "The Muppet Movie" in 1987 at a friend's house. She had this thing called OnTv, which was like cable, but not. Yeah, I don't get it either, but this system made it possible to get a channel with movies not shown on broadcast television for a fee. This was the first time I saw "The Muppet Movie", and I thought it was hysterical. My favorite line was "Turn at the fork in the road."



Now, fast forward one year later. I am working with my dad cleaning in a medical building. (I may or may not have mentioned that I worked while I went to a Commuter College. I also worked at McDonald's, a daycare center, and the School Library, but not all at the same time.) Well, our usual route to work is closed because of road construction, and my Dad is concerned that we will be late. We are driving on Peterson Avenue, and we need to turn on California, but not being familiar with this street, he is afraid he will miss the street and keep going. I tell my dad "No worries Daddy, just turn left at the fork in the road..."

This is a picture of the outside of the restaurant that was and is on the corner of Peterson and California.


My dad loved the joke, and from then on it became our usual route to work, and our usual joke.


Now, how about writing your own post on how your life is funny, and link it up to the blog carnival over at Wendy's?

Following New Tweeters and Nibbling at A Turkey's Breast (They Say A Snappy Title is EVERYTHING)

Yeah, not sure if it will catch on, but when I start following people now, I send them an @reply as to how I heard of them on twitter (which friend) and that I am not a spambot. I do this because I am starting to wish people did that in general. It still bothers me that I could be ignoring real potential friends, especially friends of friends, because I mistake them for something they aren't because I misjudged their last group of tweets. I don't want to automatically follow all who follow me, because then I'd be following spammers. Why would I want that? So, in the spirit of "do unto others", I am letting new people I follow know how I heard of them. So if you are ever told you have some odd friends on twitter, you know how you've been outed...

Well, you may have noticed that it has been a while since I have done a twitter ho down post. My mom is still in the hospital, and I haven't been tweeting as much. I didn't even twitter carol everyone I meant to, so if I missed you, please accept my apologies. It's not that I didn't want to spam you with carols, it's that time got away from me. And thank you everyone who tweeted the lyrics of "Adeste Fideles" to me. It was very comforting.

I have been on the twitter a bit more this week, and though I still am not quite up to my usual standard of humor, I thought, by golly, it is time to put in a little effort. So here it is. A little effort...


Okay, these will make a lot more sense if read from the bottom up. Sorry.

Hubby back from Bible Study. Going to go see if he learned anything....Tweet you later...

Please tell me there is another movie as funny as "Airplane"! I want to laugh until it hurts, and still gasp for breath, tears flowing..

"Get that finger out of your ear! You don't know where that finger's been..."

@weightwhat I needed a dose of "Airplane", you know?

@makeadiff21 @weightwhat @sarahmsalter Sometimes a gal has to "let her hair down."

I washed my hair. I am allowing it to drip dry. #lifeinthefastlane

Drinking rosehip tea and apple green tea mixed together.

I better go to bed. The only reason I am not there already is that I am too tired to get up. Perhaps that is a clue I should get going...

Today I was thankful for hot tea. Tomorrow I will be thankful for salt. The kind that gets thrown on an icy driveway.

@br8kthru Careful when making fun of magic pills... :-) Anyone try to take my Synthroid from me, and I will BITE them..... For realsies!

Okay, time to nibble at the turkey breast...tweet you later!!!

Dang. There is a reason the timer on the turkey isn't ringing. I didn't set it because I knew I'd remember.

Turkey breast almost ready to come out of the oven. Good, because I am hungry. No breakfast. By time I was back from errands, lunchtime..

RT @funnyoneliners I don't like irony. Or foldy. Or thinky. Or worky. I like eaty. Eaty is good. RT @lafix

I Think She Will Be Making a Full Recovery....

Okay. We will start at the beginning. Well, not the beginning, but a good deal earlier than the funny part.

On Monday mom's portocath wasn't working, and she needed to have two IVs going at the same time. Her veins have been popping, and they were having a hard time finding good veins with which to work, so the nurse ended up having to put the IVs with the needle between her thumb and her index finger. No, it is not funny yet. She couldn't grab anything! I had to feed her so she could eat without jerking the needle. No, it still isn't funny. I'm not cruel...

Before I left, I asked the nurse to make an annotation on her chart that an aid should come in and ask her if she needed to be fed. I figured she might be able to handle some herself, and even if she isn't, at least to let her voice her needs rather than feel totally helpless. The nurse informed me that they always ask. I insisted she write it on her chart because mom has been capable of feeding herself all this time, and if things get too busy, it is easy to take past history for granted. (Please believe me. I usually don't get all bossy with the nurses, but this is the one who failed to call my mom's doctor last week after she'd been hallucinating from her pain meds all night. SHE needs instruction...)

Well, yesterday I walk into her room about ten minutes after lunch started (food service brought the trays a wee bit early) and I find my mom, who had been eating only about half of her food for weeks, having finished everything but desert. A young man with dark hair and a mustache was feeding her ice cream. Here is the funny part. SHE DID NOT HAVE ANY NEEDLES IN EITHER HAND! The portcath was working, and she didn't need the other IV any more. The young man informed me she had eaten all her breakfast as well. I thanked him, and offered to finish feeding her desert. When he left, I handed the ice cream to her, and she fed herself.

I asked her why she didn't just tell him she could feed herself.

Mom: I'm not crazy. He's cute! How often am I going to have the opportunity to be hand fed by a handsome man?
Helen: And your sudden improvement in appetite?
Mom: Once I'm done eating, no more handsome man....

I stayed to make sure she could feed herself at dinner. She could, but she did not eat all of her Macaroni and Hamburger. I even offered to feed her myself. No go. What do you think? Do I need to dye my hair black, and stop tweezing my upper lip?




I know... Two life is funny posts in one week!! Good for us!

Now THAT"D be SOME kiss ....

I had to pick my husband up from work today. This time it was his car. Long story...

Anyway, when we get home, I notice that he has a scab over the left side of his upper lip. I asked him how that happened, and he said that when he answered the phone, he "answered it too hard" and jammed it to his lip.

I have advised him to NOT tell that story to anyone else who asks about his lip. He should tell people he got injured while kissing me. What do you think? Doesn't that sound waaaaaaay more believable?



What about you? If you have any funny stories in your life, join my friend Wendy's Life is Funny Blog Carnival. Click on the above button to get there.

Word Association Football : Five Little Words...

"Kathy at Happy at Home did a "Psychological Test" meme in which you are supposed to say the first word that comes into your head after they say their word. I thought it looked like fun, so I asked her to send me five words as well. So here they are.



Kathy said love
Helen said Bob: Of course. Bob is the love of my life. Sure it would have been more spiritual if I said "God" or "Jesus", but at least I didn't say "Drambuie", right?

Kathy said work
Helen said dusting: I have always hated dusting. I blame the allergies. And the fact that if I complained to mom that I was bored, she'd hand me some torn (but clean) old undies, and tell me to start dusting. Needless to say, I learned to keep myself occupied.

Kathy said dogs
Helen said cute: Okay, why did I say dogs are cute when I have allergies? Because they are. If I could get one at the pound, I'd ask Bob if we could get one of them hypoallergenic breeds. But somehow I don't expect to find one of them at the pound...

Kathy said ocean
Helen said Pacific: Sigh. We had our honeymoon in Hawaii. The Pacific Ocean tastes marvelous....

Kathy said purple
Helen said grape: Even though I look fabulous in purple, I always say it makes me look like a grape so that I sound humble. Now you know my secret.

Why Poetry Matters Today

Gy Young is hosting a Poetry and Wine giveaway over at his blog. Now, much as I love wine, I'd have wanted to post on his suggested topic even without the lure of a prize. "Why Poetry Matters Today" is a topic dear to my heart, though I am not sure I could do it justice if I had unlimited word count, much less 100 words or less. Still, I appreciate the opportunity to give it a try. Do look at the time I completed this and have mercy when judging my entry, friends.

Poetry is an artistic presentation of words which show a depth of emotion. Like other art forms, some styles of poetry trigger a response in some and not others. Poetry gives us an emotional bridge to both the past (Chaucer) and the future (Lady Gaga). When Adam was asked to name his helpmate, he felt such a depth of emotion, he responded with poetry. Man has also responded to the awesomeness of God with poetry. So long as we respond to anything with words, there will be poetry, and if we believe our response matters, then so must poetry.

Lusting After A Decent Title For This Post

Today my friend Bridget is hosting her One Word blog carnival. While I suppose it is time for me to get back in the swing of things, that is not quite as easy as it sounds... The topic is lust. I have been married to my dream man for 13+ years. How does "lust" affect my life? I am certainly not going to discuss anything private between my husband and me here.

We do use the term "lust after" to describe covetousness, though. I am going to go with that definition on this post. So... What does Helenatrandom lust after? Power? Nah, what would she do with power? Force everyone to dance in the produce aisle? Money? Well....she wouldn't mind having a little more of it, but she is grateful that in these hard times she and her family have what they do. Beauty? No, if she were beautiful, people would stare at her, and she'd be forever thinking there was something stuck in her teeth.

No, Helenatrandom has spent a good deal of time and energy lusting after control. No not the remote control. Okay, the remote control, but not just the ability to decide what everyone watches.....Helenatrandom wants to control her mom's healing (FASTER!! FASTER!!!), the supermarket's choice in music, the sort of language that can be used over the airwaves (or at least in the presence of children), the economy, she wants to die before her husband, etc...

Helenatrandom needs to learn to let God be God.

Okay. I am not entirely sure how well this post fitted in with lust, but this is my blog, and I can call this a lust post if I want to, because I am in control of it.

Ooops. I have a lot of work to do on this....

An Update on My New Year's Resolution: An Interview With Helen by HRM

Okay. I had my people get in touch with my people, and I got back to myself immediately to set up an interview. I seem to be getting along with myself a lot better since my New Year's Resolution to treat myself as I would a friend, so this interview may be a little less amusing than usual.

HRM: Good morning. Interesting look with your hair...
Helen: My husband likes the messy look...
HRM: And is he home today?
Helen: Well, no....
HRM: Then you could've combed your hair.
Helen: (I wrinkle my nose at myself)
HRM: (Laughing) Just kidding. So how has your New Year's Resolution been going?
Helen: Well, the first one has been easy. Everyday I tweet something I am grateful for.
HRM: You mean like family, friends, home, food...
Helen: Well, I always thank God for those things. I am trying to look a little deeper. In the last few days I have been thankful for colors, electric lights, both indoor and outdoor, and rants.
HRM: You call that digging deeper than family and friends?
Helen: Well, I don't mean to suggest that I like pretty colors more than Bob, Mom, or friends! I just mean that thanking God for them has become routine, and I need to go beyond routine.
HRM: Okay. I get being grateful for electricity, and pretty colors...but rants?
Helen: Well, it started out as a joke. My friend Katdish posted a rant about people and their pets on her blog today, and I am always eager to read a good Katdish rant.
HRM: So...you are specifically grateful for Katdish's rant?
Helen: Well, yes, but for ranting in general.
HRM: I may be touching the wrong end of the elephant, because I just don't see what you mean!
Helen: C'mon HRM! You love to rant as much as anyone. Didn't you write that open letter to KFC, calling them a " den of chicken iniquity"?
HRM: It is true. I do love to rant myself. But I never thought of myself as grateful for rants.
Helen: But you are. Every time you rant, you say, "Boy, do I feel better! I'm glad I wrote that!"
HRM: Still, "being grateful" implies thanking God. Do you really think God wants to be thanked for rants?
Helen: Why not? He is our Father, isn't He? Of course, He lets us rant!
HRM: Huh?
Helen: When I was a little girl, and I'd be overwhelmed and overtired, I'd start to cry. Momma would then tell me to put on my PJs. I'd scream all the worse "I'M NOT TIRED! I DON'T NEED MY PAJAMAS!!!!!!WAHHHHHHHHHH" And daddy would step in and say "Of course you aren't tired. Just put on your pjs to get comfortable, and then sit on the sofa with me and watch t.v.." A few minutes after sitting on the sofa, I was fast asleep, and Daddy was carrying me to my own bed over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.
HRM: And this relates to God how?
Helen: Sometimes we are ranting because we are overwhelmed and overtired, and just don't know how to rest. We think we don't need rest, just to "get it right". God says "Sit with me...". We find ourselves resting and at peace before we know it, and then God takes over to give us even more peace and rest.
HRM: Hmmm...
Helen: Sometimes I just need to rant myself into exhaustion before I can accept peace and rest.
HRM: And Katdish's rant...
Helen: wasn't really so much about overwhelmed exhaustion. It was funny. You know I enjoy humor. I'd say "Who doesn't", but I've met a security guard or two who...
HRM: Oooo...This sounds like another story!
Helen: You are right. It is another story. One which has nothing to do with ranting.
HRM: So maybe we should save it for another time.
Helen: Okay. You're the boss....On this blog anyways....

Yes, I Made a Couple of New Year Resolutions...

I have two New Year's Resolutions. The first is to daily find something new to be grateful for. I am always thanking God for Bob, and Mom, and friends, etc... But I have yet to thank him for clean drinking water or flushable toilets. No, I am not trying to be silly. There are plenty of people in the world who have neither. Being grateful that disgusting things are rushed as far away from me a possible should be a given. I am sure that my first antecedent to experience such was as gleeful and appreciative of it as I am for my dishwasher, but because I seldom experience port o potties, and have never had to walk to the river or a well for water, I take these things for granted. Each day in 2010 I want to be thankful for something new that I have taken for granted.
I know. I am four days behind. Okay then.
1) Clean drinking water straight from a faucet.
2) Flushable toilets.
3) Shelves and shelves of books in my home.
4) I can read. How many people in the world do not have an education because they were born poor or female? Yes, the ability to read is a blessing I need to be grateful for.
I'll try to remember to tweet something new each day and share the small things I am grateful for.

My second New Year's Resolution is to treat myself as a friend, and be a caretaker to myself. I know. Selfish. But I think I need to be... I mentioned last week or so that my mom is in the hospital. I haven't updated this blog on her progress. She has a terrible, horrible, wound. In my worst nightmare, I would not have believed such a wound is possible. For some reason, despite friends and family insisting on my innocence, I believed this wound was somehow my fault. And I despised myself. I really hated myself, to the point where I couldn't sleep. Phone calls with friends and family made me feel better, until I had to be alone with my own thoughts, which added up to "I hate me." Anytime my mom's bandage was being changed, I watched, just to punish myself. Thank God for mom's wound nurse. I don't remember what I said, but she picked up on me blaming myself, and asked me why. I told her a reason, she'd say "Impossible, next..." and let me tell her everything I thought I could have done to that caused it or failed to do to prevent it. She listened, and said "Impossible..... This is not your fault. Nothing you did caused this, nothing you could have done would have prevented this." I was absolved! I could stop hating myself. But then I had to ask myself....

If a friend of mine had come to me with the same thing, what would I have said? Even if in my uneducated ignorance I agreed that it was her fault, would I have thought that she is deserving of hatred and punishment? No, I would have held her and told her that since we got kicked out of Eden, sickness, death, and blame are our lot, and that everyone makes costly errors. I would have encouraged her to forgive herself, and reminded her of her worth. Why couldn't I do that for myself? Family, corporal friends, cyber friends, all tried to give me comfort, which I would accept for a time, but then when alone, convince myself I was unworthy. Why couldn't I be a friend to myself?

Thinking about that, I see a pattern in my life. Strict impossible diets I punished myself with to try to make up for lost time, which only made me fail again... Exercise regimes I'd punish myself with to make up for lost time, only to hurt myself and be laid up and not pick up again until I want to punish myself again. If I had power over anyone else, would I treat them like that? NO! So why do I think it is okay for me to treat myself like that. Humility? Actually, isn't the assumption that I somehow think I am better so I should have done better, and therefore hubris?

I resolve to ask myself when I hear the negative self talk in my brain "Would you talk to a friend like that?" and if the answer is no, remind myself that it is not okay to talk to myself like that then.

Part of this resolution is also to be my own caretaker. I have been my mom's caretaker for three years. I encourage her to do her exercises, and when she doesn't want to, I talk her into doing a portion, then ask her if she feels up to going on. I give her food she is supposed to have, with a treat every so often to make things interesting. When she wants something she isn't supposed to have, I don't refuse to give it to her, but remind her why she shouldn't, then leave it up to her. She usually compromises. I make sure she has at least eight glasses of water each day. Why can't I do these things for me? Why can't I exercise just until I am tired, and then stop, pushing myself a little at a time instead of punishing myself? Why can't I follow a diet that includes an occasional treat, and compromise with myself when I want more than is good for me?

The thing is, I CAN do these things, but I haven't. I am going to treat myself like someone I love this January! Why not the whole year, you ask? Because I need to evaluate whether I am improving my mental and physical health, or becoming a narcissist. I have noticed that I tend to fall to extremes in the way I treat myself... either punish, or indulge, then punish some more. This might mean more posts where I talk to myself. I hope I'll still be amusing... I wouldn't want to bore any of us...

So... my role model on this journey of self love shall be...KERMIT THE FROG! C'mon, if you know me at all, you knew it had to be a Muppet. Up until now, I've been relying on Fozzie Bear...