The Pendulum of Self Importance

Ego seems to have a different meaning psychoanalytically than it does colloquially. Colloquially, we usually mean self importance when we talk about ego, while psychoanalytically, it seems to be about balancing self and the outside world. Since I don't know much about psychological things, I am going to be working with the colloquially meaning in this post.

So...self importance.... It's easy to think we aren't guilty of this if we think we don't have grandiose notions of our talents or accomplishments. But what if we think we are a grand failure if we are not? What is we think that "if only we would have done something...." , everything would have been okay?

Am I the only one who tends to feel guilty for not being omnipotent? When Mom died, I felt guilt that I didn't call the doctor myself, since I knew she was more tired than usual. I felt guilt that I didn't spend the night with her, when I had an inkling something was wrong. But my inkling sent me in the direction of believing they would discover an infection, and that she'd be sent to the hospital soon. I prepared by going home, trying to sleep, and being unable to do so. I turned that into believing "if only I...."

What a blessing that my mother's doctor has no such delusions of his importance. My Mom's doctor is my doctor. I few months ago, I tearfully told him why her passing was my fault: I misjudged, and didn't call to tell him she was tired. He gently asked me what I thought he'd have been able to do for her. I said I didn't know, but she came close several times before, and he always managed to do something for her. He shook his head, and said that her body was worn out, and it was her time. He said that machines might have prolonged her life a bit, but only to suffer. He doubted that he could have done anything for her at that point. I still lamented that I didn't know.... You know, overly optimistic and cheerful with mom, that sort of thing. He reminded me that if he couldn't know, I couldn't know, and that I couldn't have done anything differently had I have known....

I couldn't have known. I had no control over this, just as it is Christ, not I, who has control over what happens next.

1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 (New International Version)

¹³Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. ¹⁴We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.

I suppose that I am trying to say that it is the enemy who uses our ego, our own sense of self importance against us. If it isn't possible to persuade us we are in control and the greatest thing since southern fried chicken (yum, that is SO good...), the enemy will try to convince us we were in control and let it slip through our fingers.... At least that is how he works on me. Praise God, that even when I thought I let Mom "slip through my fingers", I knew in my heart she was caught by the hand of the Father.

More on ego can be found on Bridget Chumbley's one word blog carnival."