Wednesday, June 10, 2009
That Speck in My Eye is....
I wasn't sure if this would make a better What I learned post, or Life is Funny post. I decided to use it for Life is Funny because I have the dishwasher story for What I Learned. Anyways.....
It might help to begin by explaining that I rarely wear makeup. Especially on my eyes. I am nearsighted and don't want to do to my eye what one has to do to put in contact lenses, and I you can't put on eye shadow with glasses on. To apply makeup without being able to see is the sort of test a woman who couldn't color in the lines as a child is sure to fail. I was always afraid I would look like a clown. The exception to that rule was when I was feeling depressed. I wanted to wear a mask then, so I did. The exception to THAT rule is my wedding and honeymoon. Every bride tries to look better than herself for her wedding pictures, and, well, on the honeymoon, I wore the makeup because I paid almost a hundred dollars for it! Of course I wasn't going to let it rot in the drawer!
So anyways, I hardly ever wear make up, so I am not looking for where to touch my face up. I may wear lipstick to a wedding, because then people expect you to look like you put some effort into getting ready, and retouch my lipstick as the evening progresses (or not), but my eyelids, eye lashes, and outside of my eyes have rarely seen shadow, liner, or mascara. Only for my joy filled wedding and honeymoon, and when I wanted look joy filled by wasn't. Ordinary days get me au natural. Or is it au naturale. I know one means natural, the other means in my birthday suit. I don't walk around in my birthday suit. I don't even like wearing it under my clothes. It needs ironing...
Well, a year ago, I was examining my face, God only knows why. I think it might be because I am getting harsher in my judgement of myself as I get older (which is where the What I Learned could have come in, with just a little bit of spin). I close my left eye, and I notice what turned out to be a big ol' mole! (as in birthmark, not large rodent. Keep up, okay..) At first I thought it was a speck I needed to get out, but couldn't grab.
I call Bob into the bedroom.
HRM: Bob, would you please take this speck off of my eyelid?
Bob: What speck? I don't see a speck.... (While peering closely at me)
HRM: Left eye, way in the left corner.
Bob: I don't see a speck. Is it near your freckle?
Bob: Yeah, you have this cute little freckle on the left side of your left eyelid...
HRM: Since when?
Bob: Since we've met...
HRM: TWELVE YEARS! (You know how they say new blemishes can be a sign of skin cancer and stuff. I suddenly had this fear that my eyelid would need removal and I'd be wearing an eye patch for the rest of my life.)
Bob: Relax, it's just a birthmark or freckle or something...
HRM: OR SOMETHING?! I DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE A PIRATE!
Bob: (Deer looking at the headlights look on his face now) I love you...
HRM: Birthmarks don't happen in adulthood!
Bob:You probably never noticed it before...
HRM: Oh yeah, never noticed that big ol' spot! You did! Apparently when we met!
HRM: You just said you noticed it the moment we met!
(By now Bob is twitching all over, and I walk out of the bedroom. I just can't talk to him when he twitches like that!)
(I go to mom's room)
HRM: Mom, would you take this speck off my eye lid.
Mom: Helen, that's your birthmark!
HRM: How long have I had it?
Mom: Since you were born. That's why I called it your birthmark. (Rim shot for you there mom..)
HRM: Why didn't I ever notice it before now?
Mom: Better lighting? Getting older and looking for changes? Who knows?
HRM: Is it darker than it once was?
Mom: Not really. I have a cute picture of you with your eyes closed as a baby, and it looks way bigger and darker there. Don't you remember that picture?
HRM: The one with an owie on my eye?
Mom: That's not an owie, dear. That's your other birthmark.
In case you are wondering, I know where my other birthmark is, and I am not telling.
So. there you have my contribution to the Life is Funny Carnival for this week.