Thursday, March 26, 2009
Is your husband the jealous type?
Okay, I was not going to participate in life is funny this week, since I did a joke last week, and I figure the point isn't sharing our favorite bits, but real life situations, and my brain had nothing. Then, a comment on my post from Wednesday had a somewhat funny memory flooding back to me.
I was at a wedding. The groom was a friend of my husband's, so I had to be on my best behaviour. You'll find out what I mean by that in a minute. Well, it was early in the reception, and I was headed to the bathroom. I neglected the women going potty in pairs rule, and headed off by myself. I end up running into a drunk male guest who makes unwelcome remarks to me. When I gently tell him I am heading to the washroom, well, let's just say he offered to come with me. I'll leave it to you to figure out why.
Now, normally I would have broken a nearby glass, slit the man's throat, and gone about my business. (Ask Annie. She'll tell you that we are like that....) But, as this was not my side, I felt a bit inhibited about being myself. Luckily a groomsman happened by, apologized profusely for the guest, and dragged him away. I went to the bathroom. But after that, I decided that if I go wandering into the hall, it would be best to have my husband with me. What kind of idiot would propostion a woman who is on another man's arm? However, I did not want to let my husband know what happened. I have never seen him, well, shall we say protective, but then he never had reason to be. Usually if I believe I am being flirted with, I bring my husband up in the conversation whether fitting or not.
(In produce section at grocery store)
Man: Excuse me, miss, could you help me pick out a melon?
Me: I'll show you how. (pause) See, you have to thump it, like this....
Man: (Moves eyebrows up and down) I should thump it, huh?
Me: Oh yes. And listen to how it sounds. You know I am really lucky, because my husband is an excellent listener....
So you see, I had no idea how Bob would react. My dad once grabbed a guy by the collar for whistling at my mom. I think I was expecting something along those lines. That is not what I got, but we will come to that later....
I needed excuses to get Bob to escort me into the hallway and wait for me.
Me: Bob, come with me, I want to show you a painting in the hallway.
Me: A painting. It is lovely...
Me: Come see the dang painting, or I buy it on ebay!
Bob: Coming dear....
(We look at painting)
Me: Since we're here, I am just going to stop in the washroom...wait for me.
Me: I may have to buy the painting if you don't look at it long enough!
(Bob stares at painting until I return)
And I still needed to get him to escort me one more time! I think this time it was to show him the D.J. at the wedding in the hall across from us!
But I figured it was worth acting odd to not get my husband into a fight at a friend's wedding. Now, keep in mind drunken idiot was a stranger to us, but my rescuer wasn't. It occurred to me on the way home that my rescuer might say something to Bob about the incident, and that it would seem strange to him that I didn't.
Me: Bob, I think maybe you should know, that the reason I kept dragging you with me when I wanted to go to the ladies room is because the first time I was on my way, a drunk guest made a pass at me.
Bob: Oh. Is he okay?
Me: WHAT! I TELL YOU A DRUNK FOOL MADE A PASS AT ME, AND YOU WANT TO KNOW IF HE IS OKAY?
BOB: Helen, honey, I know you. You probably got all Hungarian on him and made him eat his own pickled liver. He is probably in the hospital right now, embarrassed to tell the surgeon that he was beaten up by a woman who didn't even ruin her manicure in the process. How much do you think his hospital bill will set us back?
As you can see, Bob is not the jealous type. But at least now I know for future reference that I can just trust my initial instincts and break a glass and use it to slit the man's throat.
Got any good recipes for pickled liver?