Friday, May 8, 2009

An Open Letter to KFC

Steph and Candy have requested that I write an open letter to KFC due to the fact that so many of the stores are not honoring the coupons downloaded from Oprah's website. I love my friends, and am happy to oblige. I think I might have gone overboard. Oh well, you can all help me revise it. Won't you?

Dear KFC,
The other day, my momma told me Oprah was giving away free chicken from your franchise. My momma wanted me to download the coupons. She doesn't know what downloading is, but she figured I'd know how to do it. I asked her why, when we like Brown's chicken better. Browns chicken is crispier, with just the right amount of seasoning. They also make better biscuits. I once made a grown man cry for not giving up his mushrooms to me. Yes, not only does Brown's Chicken taste better, as their advertisements claim, but so do their sides. The coleslaw from Brown's is so tasty, block parties have been raided by the police due to violence when the hostess ran out. Okay, that never happened. But it wouldn't surprise me if it did. Mom had a one hundred year old neighbor at one time who loved the stuff, and she was fierce. If she had been a couple of years younger, she may have gotten that last spoonful.
The name Brown's was first on my family's lips whenever food for a party was discussed. In our house, having a taste for Brown's chicken was reason enough to throw a party. Our last party had a sign out front "Happy We Want Fried Mushrooms". Okay, not really. But it could have.
So why did my mother blaspheme by uttering the letters K-F-C? She heard on Oprah that you have come up with something new. Something healthy. Something Oprah was twittering about. My mother has no idea what twittering is, but if Oprah is doing it, it must have something to do with saving the planet from itself, or in this case, deep fried food. And you, KFC, you had the opportunity to be part of it. You, you temptress of chicken appendages, had the opportunity to lure us away from the goodness that is Brown's, in favor of a healthier fare.
But then you dropped the ball. You are not honoring coupons. You have attempted to lure me into your den of chicken iniquity with the promise of free, healthy food, and then pulled back. If you lie about it being free, are you also lying about it being healthy? Yes it may be grilled, but have you purposely grilled it to the point of holding nasty carcinogens, all because of my and my family's preference for Brown's? For shame, KFC, for shame.
I for one was not seduced by your promise of healthy chicken. I did not download your worthless coupons. My husband, genius that he is, was convinced that you would send the chicken flu to my computer. The swine flu is a distraction meant to divert us from this diabolical virus. Obviously you and Oprah are in cahoots to disable my computer. My mac hasn't had a virus yet, and he was not going to give you the opportunity to expose it to coupons from an unknown source.
I should feel glad that I was not tricked. I did not fall under your free chicken spell. But you see, I have friends that did. One of my friend's dog went hungry last night because they were counting on your free chicken coupon to be honored. How do you people live with yourselves? You people disgust me! You are a disgrace to the memory of Colonel Sanders. I hope the chickens come home to roost for you and your organization.
Helen Moschnossgepup

Dear Brown's Chicken,
I will accept your coupons for anything any day of the week. If you send me some, please see that they are honored. You have no idea how snarky I can get when I'm hungry.
Your ever loyal customer,
Helen Moschnossgepup


Candace Jean July 16 said...

So I fell for the KFC trick, and got a VOUCHER! As my friends "Sam & Ella" say, DON'T EVEN GO THERE.

Just let me know when I can download Brown's coupons. Do they have beans? Do they FedEx?

You rock, Helen. I'll sign a petition if you decide to kick this up a notch.

Hey look, a chicken coupon!!

katdish said...

This is why I refer to you as "my crazy friend Helen".

I like Church's chicken myself, and who the heck goes to KFC to eat healthy?

Don't EVEN get me started about Oprah...

sherri said...

It's official Helen. You're nuts!

And I love it!

I may hire you to do some letter writing for me.

Annie K said...

I wouldn't download it just to spite Oprah (yeah, don't get me started on her).

Helen, you are a very good letter writer. It had just the right tough of 'knife in the back'. ;)

Beth said...

Seriously. My last KFC drive through experience was so bad I will never go back there. The food was terrible. The service was terrible. They overcharged us big time. I actually cried because we had spent $20 on pretty much nothing and my kids were still hungry. Going out to eat is a splurge for us, and I will not waste my time and money there again. >:P

But again, Indiana must be a land of communism or something cuz KFC is the only chicken place we have! Where are these fantastical places where you have choices like this??

Brown's Chicken said...

Dearest Helen,
We do have downloadable coupons available to you and all of your friends. Your computer will not get the chicken virus from downloading these, though I do understand your concern about other franchises which I can not name. Your business is important to us. And, with the economy being what it is, do you think you can plan another "I Want Mushrooms" party soon. We don't want to have to lay anyone off.
Brown's Management

Steph @Red Clay Diaries said...

You got a response from Brown's???? Now all we need is to get this open letter to KFC, so they can make things up to everyone. Especially Candy's dog Lucky. He told my dog that he was very disappointed.

(And my dog Bob was so sad for Lucky that he was depressed the rest of the evening.)

Great letter. Just snarky and random ENOUGH.

jasonS said...

I've never heard of Brown's but it sounds delicious. We don't have any chicken restaurants in Juneau. We have to get it from grocery store deli's which ain't that hot. Well, it's hot but not hot... you know what I mean.

Michelle said...

AS usual Helen I missed the boat on this KFC thing. What is happening and why is everybody up in arms over KFC?

I have never in my entire life ate at KFC!

I'm just saying!!!

Wendy said...

Okay, that's weird. I thought I had put a comment on here already. I'm losing my marbles and I blame KFC for it.

Helen said...

I'm sorry I didn't get back to respond to your comments. I went a little over the edge after writing the letter, and needed to talk myself down, while at the same time preparing for my interview with myself next week.
Sometimes it is hard to get rid of one form of craziness to embrace another.
I plan on being normal this weekend. Or at least pretending to be....

Duane Scott said...

I freaking love this. :)p