Thursday, January 29, 2009

Help! I Think The Governor Has Driven Me Crazy

*****Update He is now Mr. Blagojevich. Helen has agreed to be interviewed about her thoughts on this later. She is currently unavailable for comment.

Governor Blagojevich has decided to make final remarks in his impeachment hearings today. In honor of this....event, I have decided to interview an Illinoisan you all know and love: me.

Helen from Random Musings: Thank you for joining me in cyber space today, Helen.
Helen: I am glad to be here. I have often been described as "spacey", and feel right at home here.
HRM: Excellent. And may I say before we begin, that you look absolutely stunning? I think the powder blue muumuu with the egg yolk stain is definitely you.
Helen: Why thank you. It was either this, or the purple muumuu with the coffee stains.
HRM: Excellent choice! First question: when did you first realize that Rod Blagojevich was unfit to be governor of Illinois.
Helen: Wow! I like the way you get right to the point! I can't say that I ever thought Blagojevich was fit to be governor, but not because I doubted his integrity. You see, he ran as a pro-choice democrat. I haven't been able to vote for those since Clinton and the partial birth abortion issue. I could see how a person could be duped into thinking a fetus they couldn't see wasn't a baby, but not how they could be confused when the baby was half out of the womb. That seems to me to be willfull ignorance. I have not been able to vote for a pro choice candidate since. I know that makes me the dreaded one issue voter, but when that issue is not killing humans, it seems pretty significant to me. So you see, I thought he was unfit from the beginning, but not in the sense that most people do now.
HRM: Back up a moment. You say you did not doubt his integrity then. How does that correlate?
Helen: I didn't know his stand and partial birth abortion. I think a person can disagree with me on the issue of first term abortion and maintain integrity. They would be totally and unequivically wrong, but that does not strip them of integrity.
HRM: How did we get on the subject of abortion anyway? I wanted to talk about Blagojevich!
Helen: Well, if you had better interviewing skills, you would never have let me go on this tangent!
HRM: (Sighs deeply.)
Helen: You had better ask me another question, your friends think you've lost it already!
HRM: When did you begin believing his integrity was slipping?
Helen: Well, there have been pay to play rumors for a while, but I didn't heed them much. I grew up in Chicago. One hand washing the other is a way of life here. My daddy made me register to vote on my eighteenth birthday. Do you know why? Our precint captain was a big shot in the sanitation department. Daddy was afraid we wouldn't get our garbage collected until I registered, so he made me do it immediately (well, not at 2:00 am, the time I was born, but you know what I mean.) When you are used to that kind of system, you accept a lot of garbage...
HRM: You still didn't answer my question. When did you first notice that Blagojevich was special in his corruptiblity?
Helen: Let's see....oh yeah, I was pretty disgusted with him after the RTA situation. You see, he kept vetoing the IL legislature's attempt to help public transportation. Here in Chicago, that was causing some big problems.
HRM: Let me get this straight. You knew Blagojevich was corrupt when people had to wait longer for buses!
Helen: The problems CTA has is a little more complicated than that, but no. My problem with the man began when he made his signature contingent upon giving free rides to senior citizens..
Helen: Easy there. I am not against free rides for senior citizens. I think there are some excellent arguments for giving free rides to senior citizens. Really, the more seniors get out, the more they will spend. I think we more than make up for the free rides in their sales taxes paid on such excursions, not to mention that it helps out businesses. No, I am not against the free rides. I am against the way they came out of the blue without discussion. He never presented it for a vote. Had he done so, the legislature might have jumped up, cheered, and carried him out on their shoulders. But he didn't. He tried to turn himself into a hero. That is when I knew he was up to no good.
HRM: While this is all truly fascinating, I think I need to cut you short now. This is becoming a long read.
Helen: Very well. Thank you for having me.
HRM: Well, thank you for being here. Please join me again later to continue this captivating interview.
Helen: I would be delighted.
HRM: Now, you must tell me how to get that exact egg yolk design on a muu muu......

P.S. After checking out this Simpsons video, I have decided that I would be much better off making myself a hot cup of tea with a shot of Drambuie in it whenever I think I may be subjected to looking at Blagojevich's mug on t.v.

P.S.S. Are there any questions you would like to have HRM ask Helen in their next interview?


katdish said...


That was just about the funniest thing I've read all week. And considering the fact that I read my own stuff, that's fairly impressive!

That is a lovely egg yolk stain, btw.

You really should watch Shepard Smith at 2 pm and 6 pm on Fox. He tears Blago up! It's hilarious!

Anonymous said...

Helen, you're nuts!

This was brilliant! Funny yet informative. tehee

I think you and Gabby SHerri have a lot more in common than I realized.

Ryan B said...

HRM: Why do we drive on a parkway but park in a driveway?

Helen said...

Katdish, coming from you, that is quite a compliment. I usually empty my bladder before reading your blog every day. Then, when I see your comments on any blog, I get up and run to the ladies room just in case. TMI? Oh, and thanks for noticing the design...
Sherri, Maybe I can do a series and interview you, Gabby, Ivanka, Bernadette, and the whole crew. You ALL do live in Illlinois, right?
Ryan B, I will be sure to ask.

Annie K said...

Ok, do I have to create a split personality to join the fun? I'm just telling you now it's either going to be an Ivanna diva or a WWF wrestler (sissies).

And for the record, one down...(blago), one to go...(O-Bam).

Helen said...

Oooo, Annie, I can help you pick a WWE wrestling persona...

nomore said...

nice a blog...

Beth said...

This. Was. Hilarious.

And my husband may be using CTA tomorrow. He's country boy. Wish him luck.

Helen said...

Beth, good luck to your husband. Have him check the CTA website before he goes to find the best route and make sure his train or bus isn't detoured for some odd reason. Sometimes they close a train for repair, and the only way people who don't normally take that train know about it is when they are stuck, or by checking on line.